NCAA XC Team Rankings: When Garrett Is Away The Etrain Will Play

If you are a loyal reader of The Stride Report, I’m sure you have been enjoying Garrett’s carefully constructed team rankings during the early XC season, but let’s be honest: something is missing. You skim down the list of top names and you’re intrigued, but are you truly wiser after reading it? Once week two was in the books, I had one burning question on my mind that Mr. Zatlin seemingly refused to answer. Refused. Even though the masses were demanding it. So I think I speak for all of us when I say: What if we ranked the top XC programs by which mascots would win in an XC race?

Eventually, I got tired of waiting for this necessary truth to be prosed so I took this opportunity to do the job myself. First let's outline the teams. As of the writing of this sentence, here are Garrett’s top 10 programs in the Division I rankings:

1. Syracuse Orangemen

2. NAU Lumberjacks

3. Arkansas Razorbacks

4. Stanford Cardinal

5. Colorado Buffaloes

6. Furman Paladins

7. BYU Cougars

8. Oregon Ducks

9. Virginia Cavaliers

10. OK State Cowboys

As I dove into the analysis, I quickly realized why Garrett was so hesitant to pursue this rich and intricate organization of talent. It took a thorough analysis and quite a bit of commentary before I was able to put these bad boys (or girls (or non-gender-identifiable objects)) in a final order. Here’s the order from slowest to fastest. You’re welcome.

#10 Stanford Cardinal

Contrary to popular belief, Stanford is not the Stanford Trees, but instead the Stanford Cardinal. To clarify this is a reference to a color. Um, yeah what the heck are we supposed to do with a color? To be fair, if I was going to pick the fastest color, I’d probably go with Yellow and then Red, but still. Therefore, I decided to not use the mascot of Cardinal and instead use the mascot of a Tree. Which, incidentally, also can’t move in a forward direction on its own. Or can it? Some of you may be thinking what if it’s a giant tree that grows so big it can traverse from the start to the finish? Well, I’m sorry to tell you that the growth process of said tree is too long and will therefore not be completed in time to beat any of the other mascots. Good try though Stanford.

#9 Oregon Ducks

It’s important to understand some ground rules here. This is Cross Country running, not Cross Country flying. So we are going to have to keep the Ducks firmly planted on the grass if they don’t want to get DQed. Of course, that won’t stop all of these crafty beasts as, just like in the racewalk, sometimes the top athletes are going to cheat with form a bit to get ahead. Without any performance enhancing wings, the Ducks are going to be in rough shape. Take your typical Mallard. They are only 20-26 inches long, with two thirds of that being body. That’s a terrible running build and the stride length on these beasts is going to be miniscule. You think a Duck is outkicking a Paladin? I can see with confidence “no”. And I still haven’t even researched what a Paladin is yet.

#8 Syracuse Orangemen

The Syracuse boys aren’t giving me much to work with here. Orangemen? So just like your average joe off the street? Except he’s orange? That’s the big thing right there: why are these men orange? Do they like to spray tan? Did they eat a lot of tomatoes and carrots like that dude from that episode of Scrubs? I just have so many questions! But ultimately, no answers.

#7 Furman Paladin

Like most normal people in the world, I had no idea what a Paladin was so I looked it up. The first dictionary definition was “any of the twelve peers of Charlemagne’s court, of whom the count palatine was chief”. So we are really limiting ourselves with just 12 guys to pick from. Doesn’t leave a lot of room for injuries. Plus, what if some of these 12 dudes just aren’t that into running. Feeling unsatisfied, I then checked the second definition, “a knight renowned for heroism and chivalry”. Look, I respect those ideals as much as the next guy, but a dude running around in armor being respectful to a bunch of women does not inspire me. The Paladins sound like that dude who kills every workout to show off for the girls’ team. While also wearing a full suit of armor and carrying a lance. Every team has one.

#6 OK State Cowboys

For those of you who are pop culturely disinclined, the Cowboys are not young male cows but in fact humans who worked cattle. Cowboys are tough dudes who could certainly handle a hard run in the sun. When fatigue starts to set in on an XC course, Cowboys aren’t going to back down from the challenge. And these guys know something about running in a pack of thundering beasts. But here’s the problem: the golden age of the cowboy is 1866-1886 according to History.com. That means the Cowboys peaked during a time when track philosophies were very primitive. You think these Cowboys know anything about interval training? Certainly not.

#5 Virginia Cavaliers

Look we just had a history lesson about the dang Cowboys. We don’t need more of that garbage. So I decided to think outside the box for the Virginia boys. Rather than attaching them to some English Civil War dudes, I’ve decided to make the Cavaliers be represented by the actual Cleveland Cavaliers basketball team. You’ve got Kevin Love, Isiah Thomas, Jae Crowder, JR Smith, Kyle Korver, Tristan Thompson and (for now) Lebron James. That’s a stacked team. Obviously, you’ve got some injury issues with IT and who knows if JR has been doing his Sunday long runs, but Lebron knows how to get a team ready for a championship.

#4 Arkansas Razorbacks

A Razorback sounds like a sick name for an animal, but it turns out that Arkansas’s mascot does not actually have razors on its back that it can use as weapons in some type of fictional free for all XC race. However, these doped up pigs can move surprisingly quick. According to a Runnersworld Article, Wild Boars can hit a top speed of 30 miles per hour and can maintain the distance for a full mile! That’s crazy! But on the flip side, what happens after that full mile? What happens over the course of an 8k race? Because I can tell you this, a wild boar can way over 600 pounds. And they have to carry around tusks. As someone who doesn’t like to run in a watch because it adds weight, that just seems wildly inefficient.

#3 Colorado Buffaloes

Did you know that Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo is a sentence? Did you also know that American Bison can hit speeds up to 40 miles per hour? It’s amazing what Google can tell you. But here’s the problem, American Bison are not Buffalo. It’s a common misconception because they look so much alike. The two main Buffalo species reside in Africa and Asia. So really, a team based in Colorado should probably be the Bison right? Otherwise these Buffalo are going to have a cross an Ocean just to get to the start line of this race and that just seems impractical. C’mon Wetmore, get your stuff together!

#2 NAU Lumberjacks

A lumberjack isn’t the most glorious of jobs. You are out chopping trees, making logs and trying not to dismember yourself. You may think-what does this have to do with cross country? And the correct answer is-sometimes you run next to trees. But here’s the thing people often forget about Lumberjacks: Paul Bunyan. The dude is a massive giant with huge stride lengths that would allow him to eat up the course in a matter of moments. He’s a guaranteed low stick for your squad. Sure, one guy can’t win you a title, but we don’t know that there is only one Paul Bunyan out there in Lumberjack community. I mean, be honest, have you ever met a Lumberjack? I didn’t think so.

#1 BYU Cougars

Cougars can hit 40-50 miles per hour while running. That’s great at all, but even if they were only in the 20s I feel like this team would be the favorites. Think about standing on the starting line as a humble Buffalo/Bison next to these beasts. You aren’t going to be concerned about hitting splits, you are going to be concerned about being split open and eaten! OK, that was a little graphic, but I needed the word play. All the same, the Cougars intimidation factor is going to make some guys go out over their head and ultimately, it will be sound strategy, not speed, that allows the Cougars to take the title.