On The First Day of Christmas ...

By Jarrett Felix

It’s the holiday season and I’m starting to feel a little festive. I’m also starting to feel a little panicked about buying gifts for all the people I’m supposed to buy gifts for in the next two weeks. So rather than go out there, starting shopping and relieve my tension, I decided to make a post about the imaginary gifts that some people in the track community should get some other people in the track community.

As usual this is a) not at all real and b) just meant to be a fun, holiday-themed joke.

To: 800m Runners

From: Mother Nature

Gift: Track Season

Dear 800m Runners,

I know how much you’ve been slaving away with the longer distances like the 5k this fall. I’ve you seen you out there trying to pretend that you like running up hills. I’ve seen you salivating at the mouth whenever you get to do a stride at the end of practice. Don’t worry! For this holiday season, I’ve changed the weather to winter and soon I’ll change it to spring so that you and your friends can start running track. Feel free to rub it in the faces of your slower, endurance based friends.

Sincerely,

Mother Nature

To: Coach Kevin Kelly, West Chester Henderson

From: The Other District One Coaches

Gift: Vacation Time.

Dear Coach Kelly,

We hope you are enjoying your holiday! We couldn’t help but notice that your boys team made states again this year out of District One! Good for you. You deserve some time off to relax and appreciate your accomplishments so we lobbied the school district to give you an extra month of worth of vacation time! The only catch is you have to use it all in October. So stop working, stop coaching and enjoy yourself!

Sincerely,

The other coaches who would like to make states

To: New York

From: Pennsylvania

Gift: A Pair of Talented Youngsters to be Determined at a Later Date

Dear New York,

Thanks so much for the birthday gift! We’ve really enjoyed having the Affolders around so far. They’ve been pretty fun to watch and they really boosted our standing in the region and nation. But we feel bad that your gift was so much better than our last gift (that blogger who moved to New York but still kept talking about PA stuff), so for the holidays we would like to give you a pair of talented young runners that we will determine at a later date. When the right pair emerges, we will ship them your way with interest to make up for lost time.

Sincerely,

Keystone

To: Drake

From: Etrain

Gift: Unconditional Love

Dear Drake,

I just want you to know I will continue to rep your lyrics on this site and listen to your music on a daily basis. I know you’re an emotional guy and so am I so hopefully you appreciate the tear that is at the bottom of this letter and the unconditional love that is metaphorically placed in the literally empty box that I wrapped and put under your tree.

Love,

Etrain

Dear Etrain,

I have many questions. 1) How did you get in my house? 2) You do know I’m Jewish right? 3) Please stop sending me weird gifts.

Calling the cops,

Aubrey

To: Dallas Cross Country

From: iTunes

Gift: Song Purchases

Dear Dallas,

Here is your purchase of the Drake song “Back 2 Back” as requested. We see that you have also downloaded “Back in the Saddle”, “We are the Champions”, “Right Back Where We Started From”, “Song 2” and “It Takes Two”. We have put “3 is a Magic Number” on lay-away for you.

Sincerely,

Apple

To: LaSalle College High School

From: A Stranger

Gift: A List of Meets with Unlimited Entries

Dear LaSalle,

I noticed that you have a lot of very fast runners on your team and not a lot of places to put them. Since this is the season of giving, I’ve compiled a list of all the meets that have no entry limits for runners in each event. Feel free to load them up to your liking and put on a show.

All the Best,

A Fan

Dear A Fan,

Thank you for this list! It will really come in handy this year. Some of the recent LaSalle community wanted to thank you so I passed around a piece of paper with some signatures.

Thanks from:

Tom, Andrew, Jack, Evan, Patrick, Frank, Stephen, Brendan, Luke, Mac, Michael, Levi, another Brendan, Shawn, Tommy, Jimmy, another Brendan, another Tom, Vincent, Greg and Dan

P.S. The other 11 sets of signatures should be arriving periodically in the mail

To: Carson Wentz

From: WIP Caller who is definitely not Jarrett Felix

Gift: Some Offensive Weapons

Dear Carson,

I went out and got you some play making receivers and solid running backs who can stay healthy over the course of a 16 game season. I’ve also talked to Lane Johnson and provided him with the yellow stuff he will need to pass drug tests from now on. Next year with a last place schedule and some better guys around you, I know we can take down that Cowboys quarterback who I dislike so intensely that I won’t even say his name. I will stand firmly in your corner from now until at least the start of next year.

From,

Jarrett F-I mean WIP Caller

To: Lower Merion

From: Meet Management

Gift: An Express Lane

Dear Lower Merion Cross Country,

We noticed recently that you’ve been moving up a ton of spots in the second half of races this season. It must be frustrating to have to weave through runners who are dying off after an overly ambitious start all the time. So we decided to give an Express Lane this Holiday season! Feel free to use this express lane to easily by pass those runners who were previously getting in your way. Hope this helps!

Happy Holidays,

Meet Management

P.S. If you see Jack Wisner and the Carlisle boys, could you pass this gift on to them as well

To: Everyone Who Wants One

From: Etrain

Gift: An Etrain Shirt

Dear Everyone,

You know how when people see me the only thing they care about is trying to get an etrain shirt? Like literally. Well we’ve finally wised up and order a bunch of etrain shirts for all of you to have for the holidays! If you want, I can even sign them for you!

From,

Etrain

Dear Etrain,

Please don’t sign them. That would ruin it.

- Everyone

To: Noah Curtin

From: Walmart

Gift: A Calendar

Dear Noah,

Here is your special limited edition calendar. This calendar shows that every day is the first Saturday in November. I hope this will help with your next track and cross country seasons.

Sincerely,

Walmart Staff

To: Jarrett Felix

From: The University of Oregon

Gift: Lots of Stuff

Dear Jarrett,

We received your letter and our pleased to announce that in the spirit of the holidays, we will be flying you out to Eugene for a special meet and greet with the Oregon Track Team. You will also have front row seats for the NCAA Championships and upcoming World Championships at Hayward field. Make sure you bring a backpack because we will also be giving you lots of Oregon swag to take home with you!

All the Best,

The Powells

Dear Jarrett,

Upon re-reading your letter, we have determined that we have made an unfortunate mistake in sending you our previous gift. Based on your handwriting, odd hobbies and weird looking running form, we mistakenly assumed you were a part of the make-a-wish foundation. Unfortunately, we will have to rescind your gift.

Please seek help,

The Powells

To: Drake

From: Toronto Police Department

Gift: Restraining Order

Dear Mr. Drake,

Here is the restraining order your requested. It covers the names “Etrain”, “Train”, “Trizzy-Train”, “Etrain11” and “Jarrett Felix”. We believe based on a detailed analysis of his blog that this is an all-inclusive list. However, he does tend to call himself a lot of different names.

Sincerely,

Bob the Detective

Yes, I did decide to give the Detective a name. Yes, that is 12 gifts. Yes, I do think I'm clever. Maybe, I will be recording the 12 gifts in song form.