A Harry Potter Running Post: Because That's Something I Would Probably Do

By Jarrett Felix

Imagine a world where magic is real. A secret society, hidden within the one we know and love. Now imagine those magical folk are assigned to run a cross country race. Which of them would be fastest? That’s the question on some many peoples’ minds when they read the Harry Potter books. And that’s the question I tackled below.

Let’s start with the houses. We all know there is a certain mental make-up that goes into being a runner. So let’s analyze what traits we know each wizard has in the various houses and try to match those up to a typical runner personality. That way we cut our work down by 75%.

Hufflepuff

As much as it sometimes seems like it, a Hufflepuff’s traits are actually not just “suck too much to be in another house”. They had Cedric Diggory for goodness sakes. A Hufflepuff should be loyal. They are hard-working and good friends. I feel like they seem to fit the runner’s mantra pretty well. Maybe not team captain (can you imagine Ernie McMillan as your XC team captain? No way), but definitely a key #5 runner on a good team.

Ravenclaw

Runners are smart. I mean, in a lot of ways we are stupid. But if you look at Ivy League programs or schools like Stanford, you see a lot of star runners that had good enough grades to get into the door. And you can say some of those kids got help, but I also don’t see all the best football players going to Princeton or Penn. They’re going to dang Durmstrang out there (no offense to Durmstrang, they have their talents I’m sure). Of course being intelligent doesn’t automatically make you a runner, nor does being a runner automatically make you intelligent. So, I’m confused did we figure anything out about Ravenclaws’ running abilities? Can somebody bring in Roger Davies to help us out here?

Gryffindor

Yes, runners have to be brave. But I feel like you don’t want to be too brave. Like I’m not sure you want Harry Potter style running in blindly, blatantly heading into a super obvious trap. That’s like the kid who “bravely” goes out in 60 for the mile before dying hard to a 5:12. You just know Harry Potter has the Prefontaine poster with the best pace is a suicide pace quote.

Slytherin

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t get into Slyterin because you are evil. Most of the evil people came from Slytherin, sure, but Pettigrew came from effing Gryffindor and he’s like the worst one of them all so let’s just all pause for a second and give the Snakes a chance. Now the Slytherins are ambitious, they are pretty cunning in their own right. I feel like they could be pretty skilled racers given the right set of circumstances.

So ultimately, which house is going to make the best runners? My opinion: it could be any of them. The house features alone aren’t enough to pin down the perfect runner qualities. So no, we did not cut our work down by 75%. We kept our work the same while also doing other work. I’m no Ravenclaw, but I think we might have just wasted some time.

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I won’t bore you with a careful breakdown of all of the most referenced characters in Harry Potter’s unique running related qualities (spoiler alert: Argus Filch doesn’t do so hot), but instead I’ll just jump right to my top 7. You might be thinking, ah top 7 like cross country top 7. No. You’re wrong. Top 7 like the most powerful wizarding number 7. In the words of Percy Weasley, “Come on, keep up.”

If I’m drafting my team, I definitely want Cedric Diggory on the squad. He violates the age old rule of the best runner is usually never the best looking runner, but Cedric just seems like a hard-working, competitive athlete who isn’t afraid to get there and push himself to the limits. He is willing to die out there for his teammates. Sorry. Too soon.

This next pick may be a bit controversial, but give me Voldemort on the squad. Tom Riddle may not have the biggest heart in the world, but, horcruxes withstanding, he literally can’t die. So that should hopefully allow him to push through some barriers. Plus, the guy has suffered his sole being ripped from his body. He can probably handle a good solid 10x1000 meter workout. Like it or not Riddle is going to get out on the course and be a cold-blooded killer. And you need a couple cold blooded killers out there.

Now if we are putting together a squad, we need to have a Weasley. The Weasley family is made up mostly of ballers. Not Ron, he’s not quite baller level. But give me Ginny and Charlie for sure. Ginny is a fiery, competitive talent who is the right level of brave. As in she isn’t as stupid as Harry is. The only time I’ve really seen her back down is when it came to naming her kids. She also goes on to be a professional quidditch player so I mean yeah she’s good at sporty stuff. You can’t teach talent.

Charlie is another big talent in the Weasley family. He also works with Dragons. That’s the kind of crazy skill you would expect from an eccentric runner. And he’s got long hair. The way man buns are in style with runners these days that should be a plus.

OK, so I know you aren’t going to like this one, but here me out. I’m throwing Luna Lovegood in the top 7. As far as I see it, this could go a couple different ways. First, she could just zone out and give zero nargles about the race. Or should could just zone out and have one of those awesome runs where you turn your brain off and just race. It’s not like she’s a total space ball, she is a brave fighter who battles at the Ministry and at Hogwarts and survives both times. When she gets it going she can be a fighter, but sometimes you need to let yourself get out of your own head to have success racing. She’s a nice boom-bust kinda runner to have in the top 7.

Also making the squad was Blaise Zabini. Why Blaise you might ask? Part of is definitely the name. Ok, all of it is definitely the name. But let’s just remember Blaise works his way throughout the story/movies from no name dude in Slytherin house to important tag team member in the Malfoy vs. HP fights. So the guy knows how to move up the pack, earn his stripes and ride for his team. Is passing massive loads like Crabbe and Goyle on the totem pole really an achievement? Especially in a running related context? No. But am I going to pass up the opportunity to get a dude named Blaze on a team that runs? No, no, definitely not.

Que White Goodman voice. I almost forgot. Our last player. Her Nuclear Power Plants team won the Quidditch World Cup three years running. Which makes her the deadliest woman on earth. With a quidditch broom.

For my final pick, I’m taking Madam Hooch. Do we know much about Madam Hooch? No. Did J.K. Rowling have a rich backstory in mind for this minor character? Somewhere between possibly and probably. Did I have my own rich backstory for this character? Well, now I do. I kinda imagine she was a really good player in her hey day and now she is just one of those tough ladies who doesn’t take any crap from anyone and secretly could beat you down if you tried to talk back. You know she is still waking up early before quidditch lessons just to bang out some reps in the gym and fly a couple laps around the grounds. She stays light on the firewhiskey and keeps her mind on fitness at all times. Seems like a great runner to have in the fold.

There you go. That’s the squad. Coach is Hermione Granger and team photographer Colin Creevey (RIP). Owls fly around instead of the lead cart. It’s worth noting that Owls are super smart! I wish we normal humans could help control Owls the way wizards do! Think of how much easier life would be.

Running analysis at its best y’all.