Other Things That Need To Be "The Processed"

By Jarrett Felix

My best friend is from Vermont, but has lived in or near Philly for basically the entirety of The Process. And I’m gonna be honest, he hates it. Not because he’s particularly morally opposed to the tanking or because he necessarily thinks it’s a stupid strategy. No, he hates it because of the way Philly fans walked around like The Process had a 100% probability of success. The way they walked around like everyone else in the league was so stupid and we were so much smarter than everyone else. So he hoped The Process would end up crashing and burning.

Well, after the running out of town of our GM, the injuries to our star players and the lack of cohesive line ups for years in a row, it looks like The Process haters are finally getting to laugh in those cocky Philly fans faces.

Psyche! WE’RE THE BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE Y’ALL! Joel Embiid is the Player of the Week for the East (#plusminus)! He’s putting up Wilt Chamberlain numbers (#Per36)! Robert Covington is the clutchest player since Kobe and among the league leaders in the most important statistic (#deflections)! TJ McConnell is … well … he tries really hard! GET AT ME HATERS!

As we all know, a record of 16 wins and 27 losses officially proves that The Process was an overwhelming success. Just as all us Philly fans already knew. We’re so smart. Remember that time we traded Sam Bradford for a first round pick? Classic genius Philadelphia. Remember that time we drafted Larry Hughes over Dirk Nowitzki and Paul Pierce? Wait-I meant remember that time we drafted Michael Carter Williams over Giannis Antetokounmpo? Er-I meant, uh-we have swap rights with the Kings!

But I digress. The point is that obviously The Process is more than just a philosophy, it is a science. And it’s about time that we extend our Hinkie Magic™ onto others that are need. Here are some teams that need to employ The Process in 2017.

Cleveland Browns

Now as you’ve probably noticed, the Browns have already tried to implement The Process. Look at the season they had last year. Look at them trading down in the draft and playing Cody Kessler at Quarterback. I mean please. The problem is, they don’t know how to properly implement The Process in a football setting. They found out Terrelle Pryor can play wide receiver which was good stuff. Maybe he can be their super version of KJ McDaniels and flip him for some second round picks. But giving up assets to get Chandler Jones? Are you crazy Browns?

Just remember to think “What Would Hinkie Do?” (#WWHD) out there. Start acquiring more 6^th and 7^th round picks. Those will come in handy! Trust us, we’ve totally used all the 2^nd round picks we’ve acquired. When you get your hands on injured assets, rest them for two to three years. And then draft more injured assets. People get injured in the NFL all the time, so you’ll be ahead of the curve if your players are all already injured. And then my last piece of advice would be to load up on running backs. Get like 6 of them. Because running back used to be a really important position, but now the game has evolved to a different level where running back is not actually a big deal.

Milesplit

Look, Milesplit you’ve had a good run. Remember that time you made the finals thanks to your Discussion Forum? Good times. Sure the Discussion Forum didn’t always play by the rules, but the Discussion Forum always had an Answer. But that Discussion Forum is long gone and only Ice Cube knows if it can still play.

Since then, you took metaphorically took the Celtics to 7 that one time with your hard work and those crazy top 500 lists. But those were gimmicks that can’t last forever and Derrick Rose isn’t going to get injured every year. Time to make some moves and take some chances. I’d trade off Dan Beck for assets. You can probably get good value for him. Open up a ton of cap space. That may mean Phil Grove has to go, but you don’t need mentors for a team of young impressionable track and field writers who have no experience and could potentially punch fans in the face because they don’t under how to be a professional! With that cap space, you can throw a lot of money at young up and coming writers. Garrett Zatlin and Caleb Gatchell’s contracts are up at the end of the year. Maybe make a bid at them. If you swing and miss, Alex Fox, Evan Hatton and Sean Collins are expiring the next year. And trust me TheRealTrain doesn’t have the budget to keep them all. They don’t even have pop up adds when you click on stuff!

Friendly’s

I know it’s hard Friendly’s but it’s time to tank. You’ve had successes, but eventually everyone needs to retool and get better. Especially in this new somewhat health crazed but also filled with fast food chain world. The good news is, you already have your asset: ice cream. Whatever you do, don’t trade that ice cream. Hold on to it for dear life like Sixers fans hold onto their first round draft picks. Like sure, maybe we can use Nerlens and a first to get an established 20+ point scorer in CJ McCollum, but no we don’t was established all-star caliber players, The Process is about blind faith in 19 year olds!

And that’s the thing Friendly’s. You are going to need lots of 19 year olds. They are the back bone of a business. They will cost a lot less money than veterans and they have a ton of upside. I’d also suggest maybe stashing some foreign workers overseas until you build up the right amount of talent in the kitchen to warrant bringing them back.

Modern Family

The once beloved TV Show was on top of the world. But they’ve fallen hard since then to the point where they have become unwatchable. Kinda like the Miami Heat. And also like the Miami Heat, you are going to need to tank right now. You may have to trade the beloved Phil Dunphy, the backbone of the franchise, for some tall, afro having Los Angeles Kid. Don’t worry, eventually he will probably win a Golden Globe Championship with some other California team shortly after that Los Angeles Kid gets injured and traded. He will be happy.

So that’s my advice. It’s going to be hard. There are going to be haters. They are going to be days where Ish Smith looks like Steve Nash. Brandon Davies may get some starts. But just remember, that after all that hardship, you too could be the third worst team in the East that still has a log jam at the center position, relatively little shooting and, at least right now, the potential to one day maybe get a draft pick from the Lakers.

Trust The Process