The Space Jam Spin Off

By Jarrett Felix

There is arguably no greater magic than the magic of cinema. A film can touch your heart, stimulate your mind and even bring you to tears. If it’s a really good movie, it will do all three. Perhaps the best example of this magic in action is the 1996 Fantasy/Science Fiction Film Space Jam. Over the span of just 100 minutes, Space Jam and its Oscar worthy lead character, Michael Jordan, take you on an adventure for the soul. On the surface, the film is about a basketball game, but when you cut deeper it is about a man playing against a bunch of cartoon aliens in a game that only somewhat resembles basketball.

But I digress. Surprisingly, I’m not writing to discuss why Space Jam is the best film of its generation. Instead, I want to create a new picture. I want to create a picture that will elevate the sport of track and field in the same way that Space Jam elevated the game of basketball[1]. I’m talking, of course, about a new movie (that we should start writing immediately) called … Space Race.

Everybody get up, it’s time to run fast

We gotta make all of this fun last

Welcome to the Space Race

Tie your lace, set the pace at the Space Race

Alright

So I went back and forth on exactly what the race part of Space Race[2] is going to be. At first glance, Cross Country seemed to work best. It has a strong team component. You could have a nice, drama filled race with plenty of Looney Tune themed shenanigans. But as you’ve probably noticed, I’m not the kind of guy who takes just one glance[3]. The problem is one runner doesn’t have that significant of an effect in cross country. No one can “take over” a cross country meet like MJ could “take over” a basketball game.

And let’s be clear, if this has any chance of working, you need a Michael. And I don’t think our best XC guy, Chris Derrick[4], is going to come down to the WB and start going Jordan on everybody. He’s going to come down there, make some clever, sarcastic comments about economic theory and be first across the line. That’s not enough people! This isn’t a Like Mike remake[5], it’s Space Jam for goodness sakes.

One relay doesn’t seem like enough either. What, we are only having three Looney Tunes in the big event? Nah man, let’s make this thing a spectacle. We need a track meet where all the toons can show their stuff. A well done, hopefully not boring, track meet. So just the big events. 100m, Mile[6], Long Jump, High Jump, 400m Hurdles, Shot Put, and a 4x400m Relay. Gives enough opportunity for hilarious hijinx without getting overly complicated.

Come on get fit, if you want to win

Come on and sprint, if you want to win

I know my three readers are starting to get pissed. “How can you, the biggest distance running geek of all time, make up your own movie about track and put just one minor distance event that (spoiler alert) the Tune Squad is going to lose?!” I’m sorry. I really am. But I’m afraid that when you are creating a cinematic masterpiece like this, you have to consider the greater good.

And the greater good means holding an event that can properly utilize our Michael. If you haven’t guessed it by now, our Michael will be none other than the reigning Olympic Champion in the Decathlon: Ashton Eaton. He’s likable, charismatic, talented and dominant. As far as I’m concerned it’s the perfect fit. I’m down to have Ashton represent the sport of track and field for us. I can see the posters now …

ASHTON EATON …. BUGS BUNNY … in … SPACE RACE[7]

Now we need to build out the story surrounding this chance encounter. Much like Space Jam, once you have the general idea, it pretty much writes itself. We are keeping much of the same elements that made the original film such a massive success[8]. We have a group of small, pathetic looking aliens with funny voices who come to Looney Tune land to try and steal the cartoon delights and take them back to their homeland at Moron Mountain.

Due to a combination of massive weaponry and inferior intellect, Bugs Bunny finds it necessary to negotiate a deal with the aliens. If they can defeat the Tune Squad in a track meet, then they can take the Looney Tunes back to their planet. Bugs and crew think it should be no problem to defeat the tiny, short-legged, out of shape aliens. But the aliens don’t play by the rules.

A field trip to the great Hayward field gives the aliens a chance to go out and steal some talent at the Tracktown Summer Series (trademark). They go after the best and most charismatic athletes at the track meet, stealing their ability and storing it in a special relay baton. I’ve got the Alien squad (AKA the Monstars[9]) coordinated by color:

Blue Alien – Erik Kynard

Green Alien – Devon Allen

Red Alien – Matt Centrowitz

Purple Alien – LaShawn Merritt

Orange Alien – Justin Gatlin

We can have some classic scenes of these guys losing their talent. Devon crashing over some hurdles. Erik jumping straight into the high jump bar. The USA 4x1 dropping the baton … Oh … wait.

I’d really love to recreate that Charles Barkley playing pick-up basketball scene with Centro at a local road 5k. “You’re not Matt Centrowitz! You’re just some punk who dabs like him! Be gone! Be gone!”

We just need to come up with a track version of Basketball Jones. That’s a task for another day I suppose.

Get your ass on the floor, if you feel sore,

Gotta rest up for that 4x4

Welcome to the Space Race

Start the chase, relax your face at the Space Race

Alright

So now the Looney Tunes are freaking out. They’ve realized they don’t know the first thing about track meets[10] and they are competing against a crew of diamond league all-stars. They need help ASAP! Well, fortunately, young Ashton Eaton is unaffected by the aliens, having officially retired from the Decathlon after roughly a decade’s worth of multi-practices that have taken their toll on his body. 

(Editors Note: Ashton, and his wife Brianne, did in fact retire sometime in the middle of while I was typing out and proof reading this post)

Ashton is just hobby jogging at the gym with his new personal assistant, Stan. You know the larger guy with glasses from Space Jam? That’s Stan. His name is still Stan in this movie. It seems like the right name for that kinda dude. And if you are wondering, yes, I will be playing Stan. I’m halfway to putting on the weight as we speak. But anyway, Ashton is jogging along on the treadmill, getting in a light bit of work to stay fit, when suddenly he is sucked up inside the treadmill and dragged down to the Looney Tune world!

Work that body, work that body

Make sure you don’t hurt nobody (when you are practicing the shot put)

Although Ashton is a good dude, he’s also a married, family man. Plus, he’s a retired multi-athlete. This life isn’t his anymore. He politely and respectively tries to leave. However, when the Monstars show up and cause trouble, his noble nature takes over and he makes it his goal to beat those talent-stealers and help this nice group of cartoons avoid imprisonment.

Hey DJ, TURN IT UP

QCD, goin’ burn it up

C’mon y’all get on the track

So hey man, we back

Coach Ashton helps the Looney Tunes get in shape. But nothing can prepare him for a cartoon track meet like this. There is all sorts of foul play from the Monstars starting with the first event. The Monstars trip Ashton out of the blocks in the 100 meter dash. And then they eat Tweety Bird during the mile[11]! Additionally, even with an awesome training plan, Porky the Pig is just not ready to circle the track four times. While Ashton keeps them in the game with an awesome long jump, the Monstars are taking it to a disheartened Tune Squad. They will need a miracle to come back in this track meet.

Hey ladies

“Yah”

Y’all ready to stop

“No!”

Y’all want to know why

“Why?”

‘Cause it’s a Space Race

But you just know this story is going to have a happy ending! Mr. Eaton rallies the forces and the Looney Tunes fight fire with fire thanks to Looney antics. In the 400 meter hurdles, the Tazmanian Devil just runs straight through all the hurdles wildly and breaks all of them. Apparently that’s legal in Tune world. In the Shot Put, Yosemite Sam and co. use some explosives to get the Monstars to foul on their best throws. Plus, the Giant Chicken Man whose name I don’t know and that one big Bull guy who was watching the Basketball game in Space Jam pull out some big team points with brute strength. Ashton is nervous about competing in the shot put, as it’s not one of the strengths of his decathlon. But the team needs him and he steps up in the clutch, rocketing his third throw after two fouls. See kids, field events can be exciting!

Thanks to Ashton’s heroics, the winner of the 4x4 will be the team champions. However, as the team is getting ready to celebrate a sweep, disaster strikes. A rogue shot put launched by Alien-Justin Gatlin goes flying toward Lola Bunny. Nobly, Bugs jumps in front of the object and takes the brunt of the throw to protect her (which admittedly inspires the team), but he’s too injured to participate on the 4x400 as planned. What is the Tune Squad going to do??!!

C’mon and run, baby run

C’mon, c’mon do it, run baby run[12]

Suddenly, a new surprise guest appears at the door. No, it’s not Bill Murray. Instead, it’s Ashton’s wife and multi-star Brianne Theisen-Eaton! She’s here to help her husband! And so the stage is set. Lola Bunny is our lead off runner. For sure. I trust her in that spot most out of any Tune. Daffy ain’t touching the baton. She goes toe to toe with Centrowitz on that lead off leg and, although Centrowitz looks way smoother, she keeps it close.

Then Alien-Merritt runs the second leg. Sure, Alien-Merritt should run the anchor leg, but the Road Runner is running second leg for the Tune squad and they need to match up. And, I mean, c’mon, the Orange guy is running the anchor. That alien had a big ego in SJ and the same will be true for SR[13].

The Road Runner opens up a small lead. He would have opened up a big lead, but Wile E. just can’t resist trying to catch him when he has the chance[14]. That leaves BTE against Green Devon Allen. She fights hard (despite no warm up time at all, just gets right in there and goes) and keeps the race even so that Ashton Eaton goes toe to toe with Alien Justin Gatlin.

Eaton starts to pull ahead of Gatlin. It looks like the Tune squad is going to be victorious. But then, the other Alien-Monstars are out on the track! They are pulling at Ashton’s legs and holding him in place! What is he going to do??!!

Then he remembers back to an earlier, seemingly minor conversation he had with Bugs. He seizes the chance to go full Looney Tune and stretches out the upper part of his torso so that he can keep pace with Orange Gatlin. Using the full extension of his newly stretchy body, he out leans Gatlin at the line and saves his newfound friends[15]!

C’mon, everybody say, nah nah nah nah nah nah

C’mon, c’mon let me hear you say hey ey ey o

The battle all but over, Ashton forces the aliens to return the talent they stole to the baton so that he can bring it back to the US athletes at the upcoming US Championships. The aliens are sorry and realize the problem the whole time was really just their corrupt boss Alien Max Siegel. Ashton returns home and announces he is coming out of retirement in time for the 2021 World Championships in Eugene[16]. Everyone wins!

Boom. Your welcome America.

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[1] I’m not sure Space Jam did much at all to elevate the sport of Basketball, so even a ridiculous movie such as the one I’m about to describe should pull this off.

[2] I was a little nervous about calling the movie Space Race, because there isn’t only one race in the final scene. However, in Space Jam, there isn’t only one jam. So that made me feel better.

[3] I’m like Glance Stephenson. Not that funny of a joke, right? Hence why it’s a footnote.

[4] Sorry Garrett Heath

[5] Coming soon to a blog near you: Like Pre

[6] Sorry Shelia

[7] Take that Lebron

[8] i.e. a 37% on Rotten Tomatoes

[9] Monstars doesn’t really fit as well with track runners, but it’s a great name. More importantly, I’ve got no alternative

[10] Not to get sidetracked, but the Looney Tunes are pretty foolish. They just assumed they could beat a bunch of little aliens at basketball even though they also sucked at basketball. That seems like flawed logic. If Chris Derrick was the star of this film, I’m sure he’d weigh in

[11] They also eat Sylvester in the process as he was about to eat Tweety Bird himself. The brilliant plan by Coach Ashton to have Sylvester run faster by using Tweety as his bait backfired

[12] These are actually lyrics to the Space Jam theme song. Didn’t even have to change those

[13] The dude goes after Charles Barkley because he hears someone say he is a killer! That guy is viscious! He’s not the like the blue guy who just seems kinda dim or the red guy who has an adorable high-pitched voice, he’s out for blood!

[14] Honestly, the Road Runner is just too good for a track and field meet. He kinda ruins it.

[15] Sorry Allyson Felix

[16] Movies aren’t made overnight people. Especially animated ones. I’m guessing this won’t hit theatres until 2019-2020